Friday, 4 February 2011

Silvio Berlusconi, or better things to do if you run a country.

We all moan about Cameron and Clegg screwing the people of this country, but Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is screwing his people in an entirely different way. He is literally screwing them. Allegations have emerged that Berlusconi has been sleeping with a number of prostitutes. Furthermore, it’s been said that not only is he paying them for their ‘kindness’ but he’s also been letting them stay in a bunch of apartments he built in the 70’s.
            Now it’s all very well and good to do this when you’re outside of the limelight, and hey, even if you’re an actor you might even get out of it unscathed (We all know you did a ‘bad thing’ Hugh) but if you’re the Prime Minister, surely the last thing on your mind is paying to party. Did you really think it wasn’t going to emerge? Did you assume that all those involved would completely ignore the potential to make money out of selling the story? I know that if I ran a country there’s a whole multitude of things I’d rather do than expose myself in the red light district. And by expose I mean show my face. Obviously.

1)   Entertain your people.
Laughter is the best medicine, and it’s free, in fact it’s probably the only free medicine in the entire United States and look at those guys, they’re having a whale of a time. If I ran a country, I’d be sure to make my people think I’d be a cool guy to hang out with. While David Cameron pretends he likes The Smiths, Vladimir Putin takes his shirt off and hikes, puts his shirt on and fights, puts his Tux on and sings Blueberry Hill before putting on his shades and riding a horse. As a result of this likeable attitude, the Russian people felt he had to stay in power in some respect after his term as President ended, and so he did.

2)   Legalise Marajuana
Anyone who knows anything about drugs knows that Marijuana is the least addictive, least harmful and most widely used drug in the world. It’s also as easy to get ahold of as a Red Stripe. Now, people who drink Red Stripe tend to end up wanting to kick a nose while people who smoke are more interested in the way that nose would look if you turned it upside down. Even though Clinton ‘never inhaled’ he’s certainly the coolest President America had since John F. Kennedy and when Obama took power he jumped right on the drugs bandwagon telling everybody how disappointed he was he smoked dope when really we all know how much he enjoyed eating fifteen packets of Reese’s Cups. Also, you can tax it, make money, eliminate all the kids getting mugged on wiggy estates and actually know that what you’re getting isn’t a packet of oregano.
3)   Not annoy students.
Nick Clegg: “Hey Vince, did you hear the news? Hung parliament man, what on earth shall we do?”
Vince Cable: “Hmm, that’s a difficult one. We’re going to want to be re-elected in the future, right? I’m guessing the vast majority who voted for us were students who believed in a party that wouldn’t betray them?”
Nick Clegg:   “I think you’re right…By jove, I have it! We’ll side with the Tories, they’ll listen to us! We can build a perfect society just like we hoped and I’m sure I can bring David round to the idea of free university, or at least have him keep it as it is. With our influence we can protect the public services and even the Arts! They seem like a new party, nothing like the Thatcher days. This way we can secure our place in government for the indefinite future!
Vince Cable: “Blimey Nick, you’re a genius, this is sure to work.”

If I ran a country I definitely wouldn’t piss of the girls and boys who are going to be voting for the next sixty years.

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